Monday, 7 September 2015

Nice qoute

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
—Marianne Williamson

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The beast with no head

How can I fight the beast with no head
The one that creeps into my thoughts
I spend weeks at a time on top of the world
While the monster finds place to hide
It crawls in through the door or window or gap
Only a sliver of thought and its back

It gets in my head and unwinds my joy
It melts down my confidence in no time at all
It takes over my life and destroys who I am
I try to fight back but the beast feeds on that
Then I try too relax as the world carrys on
Unaware of my past and the things I usage done

But I won't stop this fight there is a war to be won
I will not give up and go back to the place
Where the beast takes control of my life
I will work with the tools that I have in my head
I will turn them to weapons for the beast with no head

If he has no head then his heart I will find
I will strike at him hard when he has no where to run
I will continue to fight till his last breath is done
I will have control of my life once again
I can find the joy in the storm yet to come
I can not be owned by this beast with no face

So as I strike him down and his powder is gone
All that is left is for me to move on
With joy in my soul and peace in my heart
I will take this beast as my pet moving on
As much as hate him right now I can see
Without my beast I just wouldn't be me

Wednesday, 2 September 2015

feeling rough today

Heart burn, burning throat, pressure behind my ears, I panic about everything i believe that i am dying. Well we all are right?? Not a happy thought but something i am starting to come to terms with. I am 37. At best i have 50 years left but that's probably more like 30 if you look at family history and the way i have treated my body.  so at best i have less than half of my life life left. That's a pretty sobering thought.

I have 2 choices.
 1: I can carry on the same path of constantly worrying about my health and never getting anything done

2: I can just get on with life and hope for the best?

I am going with option 2 life is 2 short for me to mope about feeling ill. I might as well just go for it what have i got to loose. I am over 50% of the way though my life and that's a pass in any exam the rest is just gravy.

I have done loads and lived my life as best i could but the last few years have been stolen from me by poor mental health brought on by myself. Its really annoying to think i have wasted about 4 years of doing "STUFF" through worry which will probably impact my health fitness and longevity making the time i have even less.

so on the plus side i have made a break though and am going for it on a negative i do still feel rough.

onward to glory

stay safe, speak soon

Tuesday, 1 September 2015

Food getting me down

Where the hell has my will power gone I just can't stop eating its terrible the only time I don't think of food is when I am asleep. I need to get a grip of myself I need to be busy. Being off uni has really impacted me and I need to get back into it.

Well that's all for now

Take care, Stays safe

Running on empty

It has been a busy 6 weeks for me with work and child care due to the summer holidays. I have loved spending so much time with Freya but I am now running on empty. She is back at school tomorrow. Don't get me wrong I am happy to have had the chance to spend so much time with her over the holidays but she needs to be back at school to keep her mind active and to socialise with her friends. I will miss her and at the same time I will be happy to get a bit of time to recharge. Not from sleep but emotionally. I just feel drained.

Some of this is me not processing stuff right and my insomnia which has reached a level I have never known. If I get 3 hours a night I am doing well. I get really anxious about my health and feel I might die at any point. This is worse as with shells health issues I worry about the kids if something does happen to me. I have been trying to overcome the issues but I am noticing everything my body does much more intensely. I keep thinking I should go to the doctor but since being told that it was all in my head by her I feel a bit reluctant. Maybe it is just health anxiously and there is nothing wrong with me.

I went to the pub last night for the first time in months for a pint. I was OK and I enjoyed socialising but today I feel rough. I only had 2 pints so its not a hang over its just my stomach and this crappy chest pain and pressure behind my ears.

Well that's all for now

Stay safe speak soon


Sunday, 30 August 2015

Food addiction

Well I am fat and we all know that. The thing most of you don't know is I really struggle with this, I am trying to loose weight and have been for as long as I can remember the issue I have is i love eating and it makes me feel better.

When I can't sleep or my mental health issues are really playing up I eat more and more it numbs the pain. I realise this is not healthy and I also realise there are people on the other end of the eating spectrum who are also having a bad time. I don't want to belittle their struggle but I do want to highlight mine. So when you see me with a pie slap it out of my hand.

On a positive note I have started a health regime which I am really hoping I can stick to and that might help with my self image and stop the cycle of eating.

Stay safe speak soon

Saturday, 29 August 2015

So lonely

I have realised in recent weeks how lonely I am. I am happy with my life on the whole and the time I spend with my family is magical. The issue is I lack any kind of social life. I have found myself on a downward spiral again where I have started to isolate myself from the world. I know people but that's as far as it goes.

I am not sure if I keep my distance as a defence mechanism for me or the protect other people from my issues. I guess it's a bit of both.

I am looking forward to getting back to university at the end of September. I think I might try to make more of a effort on the social side this year. Although swaning around with a bunch of 20 year old really makes me feel my age.

I am struggling to get back to hockey as I am struggling to be around groups of people again which is really annoying me.


Catch you later Speak soon